Coping With Your Loss 2020

AUTUMN/WINTER 2020

OUR GUIDE TO MAKING THIS DIFFICULT TIME EASIER TO MANAGE

Writing a Will

Living with loss THE COATES CENTRE IS HERE TO HELP COVID funerals HOW DOES IT EFFECT SAYING GOODBYE?

PROTECTING YOUR ESTATE Probate Problems OBTAINING PROBATE AFTER DEATH

New Milton Advertiser & Lymington Times Publication • www.advertiserandtimes.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

CONTENTS

AUTUMN/WINTER 2020

4

6 & 7

Writing a Will

How to arrange a funeral during Covid 19

5

Registering a death

8 & 9

Obtaining Probate - complications and advice

10 Staying independent after losing a loved one

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11 Bereavement Self Care

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11 The Coates Centre: living with loss

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Writing a Will

For a will to be valid: • it must be in writing, signed by you, and witnessed by two people over the age of 18 • you must have the mental capacity to make the will and understand the effect it will have • you must have made the will voluntarily and without pressure from anyone else. • The beginning of the will should say that this will revokes all others. If you have an earlier will, it should be destroyed. You must sign a will in front of two adult witnesses. It can also be signed on your behalf, as long as you’re in the room and it is signed at your direction. The witnesses or their husbands, wives or civil partners can’t benefit from the will. If anything has been left to the witnesses, the rest of the will is still valid, but the witness will lose their entitlement to whatever you had intended to leave them. An executor can witness the will, unless they are a beneficiary. You can keep your will at your home or store it with your solicitor or accountant, your bank or at the Principal Registry of the Family Division of the High Court, a District Registry or Probate Sub-Registry. If you make any changes to your will you must follow the same signing and witnessing process.

M ost people will put off making a will because they believe that it could bring on the day of their demise a little bit quicker and seems a little macabre. After all who wants to

Consumer Codes Approval Scheme. Solicitors provide a range of will writing services. The charges for drawing up a will vary between solicitors and also depend on the complexity of the will. Before making a decision on who to use, it is always advisable to check with a few local solicitors to find out how much they charge. You may have access to legal advice through an addition to an insurance policy or If you are a member of a trade union you may find that the union offers a free wills service to members. Many charities offer either a free or discounted will service. Usually they provide a list of local solicitors who will offer this service, although it may depend on you giving either a donation or legacy to that particular charity. So why you should make a will? If you want to be sure your wishes will be met after you die, then a will is vital. A will is the only way to make sure your savings and

possessions (your estate) go to the people and causes that you care about. It also avoids disputes between relatives. Disputes over wills can cause family arguments and may even need a solicitor to resolve them. Leaving a will should remove any doubt about who you want to leave your estate to. Close relatives and dependants may still be able to make a claim on your estate, but a solicitor can advise you on how likely this is and the best way to prevent it. Although it’s hard for loved ones to talk about death, talking about your will can save everyone a lot of worry. Deciding who you want to leave your possessions to (your beneficiaries) can help you make sure they go to the people you intended. A will can ensure that assets are kept within the family and are passed on down the generations. With a carefully-planned will, you can also cut the Inheritance Tax bill on your estate after your death.

solicitor check a will you have drawn up to make sure it will have the effect you want. This is because it is easy to make mistakes and, if there are errors in the will, this can cause problems after your death. Sorting out misunderstandings and disputes after your death may result in considerable legal costs, which will reduce the amount of money in the estate. There are various on-line will writing packages where you can complete a DIY will or have a will writing service visit you and have the will written in the comfort of your own home. However, will-writing firms are not regulated by the Law Society so there are few safeguards if things go wrong. If you decide to use a will-writing firm, consider using one that belongs to The Institute of Professional Will-writers which has a code of practice approved by the Trading Standards Institute

contemplate their own death? It’s a load of paperwork and is perhaps not a priority right now. Finally there is the perception that making a Will is time consuming, complicated and expensive. And in any case they believe that all they own will go to family and friends when they pass on. You can write your will yourself, but you should get advice if your will isn’t straightforward. Your will doesn’t have to be on special paper or use a lot of legal language. If you are in any doubt as to whether or not you should Citizens Advice Bureau who can give you lists of solicitors. There is no need for a will to be drawn up or witnessed by a solicitor. It is generally advisable to use a solicitor or to have a make a will, you should consult a solicitor or a

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Why Registering a Death is so important T he last thing on your mind after losing a loved one is the paperwork involved but failing to register a death not only risks putting funeral arrangements on hold but also risks breaking the law.

You normally can’t wait longer than five days to register a death, which includes weekends and bank holidays. But this can be extended by a further nine days if you provide the registrar with written confirmation that a Medical Certificate of Death has been issued.

Howmuch is a death certificate?

following year, with a priority postage fee of £50. If one is needed for use in the EU, a Multilingual Standard Form is needed at a cost of £22. You can order all death certificates on the HM Passport Office site in England and Wales. Can you register a death without a birth certificate? Yes. A birth certificate can help the death registration process, but the only essential document needed to register a death is a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death, which will be given to you by a doctor.

Where do you register a death? The Register Office for the New Forest area is located at the Ringwood Gateway in the The Furlong, Ringwood. The Register office comes under the jurisdiction of Hampshire County Council and operates an appointment system. For Christchurch it is located at the Civic Offices, Bridge Street and at the Town Hall in Bourne Avenue, Bournemouth. All operate on appointments system. However, any register office in the country can be used when looking where to register a death. But choosing one too far from the loved one’s place of residence can cause paperwork delays and risk missing the five-day limit. A register office in the same district as your loved

one’s home should ideally be used if they passed away at home. If the death occurred in a nursing home or hospital, refer to their district register office. These options aren’t always practical, especially if you live far away from the deceased. So choosing the closest register office to their last residence as possible is the best option. Register offices can be very busy and so to avoid delays or increased waiting times, it is recommended that you call to make an appointment. This will

referred to the Coroner, the Coroner’s Office will advise you what to do. If the deceased received a pension or allowance from public funds, such as a Civil Service or Army Pension inform the Registrar. Although other documentation is not essential for registering a death, providing as much additional information as possible can help speed up the process. You shouldn’t It helps the registration process if you can also provide • the deceased’s NHS medical card • birth and marriage/ civil partnership certificates • driving licence • council tax bill • proof of address and passport As well as the details on the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death, further information required from you includes the deceased’s last occupation, address, state pension information, place of birth and their partner’s full name, birth date and occupation. Bringing supporting documents for these is useful but not vital. The Registrar will enter all these details into a computer system and will then give you the opportunity to check they are correct. The information will then be written into a register. This is the “original” legal record and you should check it through very carefully before signing it, as any mistakes discovered later on may be difficult to correct. What documents will you receive from the registrar? The registrar will give you two documents once they have all the information required. The first is the Certificate for Burial or Cremation, known as the delay registering if you do not have the below information.

green form. The second document will be the death certificate, which is a paid- for service. This allows the deceased to be buried or cremated and must be filled out and handed to your chosen funeral director. Registrars can instead provide a burial-only green form if the death is yet to be registered. Additional copies of the death certificate can be important, especially when administering the estate, or if the estate falls into probate, as photocopies are not usually accepted. The registrar may also provide a BD8 Registration of Death form. If your loved one received a state pension or benefits these must be completed and mailed to the addresses already written on.

The cost of a death certificate excluding postage fees is £11 in England and Wales – £15 if you haven’t registered for a Government Registration Office (GRO) index reference number. Multiple copies can be ordered for the same price. Death certificates typically take up to five working days to arrive but if needed sooner, one can be sent with priority for £35. If a death is registered overseas, however, a death certificate won’t be available until November the

allow you to prepare relevant documents to bring along to your appointment.

Home visits to register a birth, death or stillbirth are entirely at the discretion of the Registrar, and are subject to many and varied criteria.

Who can register a death? The person registering a death — otherwise known as the informant — is often a close relative of the deceased, named the executor of the Will. If a close relative is not available to do so, it’s also possible that the informant can be: • a relative who witnessed the loved one’s death, last illness or who lives near their residence • the owner of the premises where the death occurred • the relative arranging the funeral with the funeral director or someone else who was present at the death but this does NOT mean the funeral director • are a senior administrator from the hospital (if the person died in hospital) • are the manager of the care home where the person died • are the occupier of the building where the person died

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What do you need to register a death? The only document needed to register a death is a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death not to be confused with a death certificate. This will be issued to you by a doctor and lists your loved one’s cause, date, and place of death, as well as name and age. This is essential — the Registrar can do nothing without it. If the death has been

We are the Watersides only independent Funeral Directors and Monumental Masons, this means we build a personal relationship with you right from the start. The person that answers the telephone or greets you in the office is the person who will look after you from that first contact, throughout all the necessary arrangements leading up to the funeral and at any time you need us afterwards. Bank House, The Square, Fawley, Southampton SO45 1DD 023 8089 0339 • www.newforestfunerals.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

How to arrange a funeral during Covid 19

Can I delay a funeral for a later date, when government controls have been lifted? Funerals should take place as soon as possible, rather than be delayed indefinitely. You may want to think about holding a celebration of life or a memorial service at a later date when restrictions have been lifted. Local arrangements At Bournemouth Crematorium West Chapel, no more than 10 people are able to attend each service. This is due to the smaller size of the chapel. At Poole, the co n is to be carried into the chapel with the bearers exiting the chapel prior to the mourners being ushered into the chapel. Due to the two chapel layout designs at Bournemouth and the shared egress route, the co n is to be conveyed into the chapel followed directly by the mourners at a safe distance. Bearing of co n The council has asked that friends and family members are discouraged from bearing the co n into the chapel but they appreciate the significance of this ritual to families, so if families are insisting on bearing the co n, they will need to be contact the crematorium two working days prior to the service taking place. Hymns requested as part of a service are not to be accompanied by live singing within the chapels. Instead, choral backed versions of the hymns selected by families are to be ordered previously. No choir or live singing will be permitted in the chapel during services. Playing of Brass or Woodwind Instruments Any brass or woodwind instrument such as a trumpet, clarinet or bugle will not be allowed to play within the confines of the chapel. Playing of such instruments will only be permitted outside the chapel, in Poole, the during a service within a safe distance of 5 metres or more from the seated congregation. The playing of bag pipes will only be permitted in the outside areas. Any requests for the playing of brass or woodwind instruments will need to be directed to the Bournemouth and Poole o ce two days prior to the date of the service taking place. Ceremonial Guard of Honour From time to time, requests are made to hold a ceremonial guard of honour for the deceased. This is to be discouraged in view of tendencies to gather on site following the arrival of the funeral cortege. Requests for formal ceremonial guard of honour will need to be made directly with the Bournemouth

support that may be available for funeral services.Many also work with third parties who may be able to provide credit facilities to cover the costs of funeral services over a period of 12 to 48 months. 24-hour telephone support Most funeral directors recognise that this is an unprecedented time and provide 24 hours a day, 7 days a week telephone and other support. Other issues to consider • embalming is now only available in certain funeral homes - your local funeral director will be able to let you know if this service is available. mourners may not be able to assist with handling, carrying or lowering the coffin - the coffin will be moved using a wheeled bier. Can the funeral still follow religious customs? Your local funeral director will be able to advise on the options available for specific rituals and customs. Are there any restrictions on the type of funeral for someone who’s died from coronavirus? All funeral directors should have the necessary equipment, systems, processes and trained personnel to do this and specific ways of working prepared for anyone who dies in either an NHS facility or within the community, adapted from the PHE and HSE guidance. There are no restrictions that prevent someone who has died from coronavirus having a funeral, whether it is for a cremation or a burial. How can I register the death? You need to register the death before the funeral can take place. The person who registers the death usually needs to visit the local registrar to do this, however due to recent changes, you can now do this over the phone or online. If you’re self-isolating or unable to register the death with the registrar directly, many funeral directors will do this on your behalf. Can I still visit my loved one in the chapel of rest? You can continue to visit loved ones, but funeral directors ask that only immediate family or close friends do this. You will need to make an appointment to visit so they can limit the number of visitors to the funeral home at any one time. If your loved one’s death was coronavirus related, mourners will be unable to visit to prevent further onward infection and to keep you safe. •

Those attending should only be those people who are in the same household and who should travel together in the same vehicle. Are there any delays relating to carrying out funerals? All funeral providers are being encouraged to avoid delays to funeral services. It may be the case that availability of services will become even more constrained over time. Due to possible delays funeral directors say that family and friends should arrange the funeral as soon as practically possible. Are there any other considerations to be aware of if I visit funeral directors? In line with wider government advice, the funeral directors encourage use of washroom facilities for hand washing upon entering and exiting the building, and the use of tissues and hand sanitisers when required. Will donation facilities be available at the funeral home? To minimise the need to handle monies and collection boxes at this time, many funeral directors cannot take donations at funerals and are not accepting cash donations. They suggest that mourners make an online donation via a charity partners service so that donations are sent directly to the nominated charity with a small administration fee deducted by the online partner. Can I still have an obituary and publish details about the funeral? Although obituaries are still available some funeral directors are asking

or Poole o ce two working days prior to the date of service

Attending a funeral Are there restrictions on the numbers of people attending funerals at this time? The government is clear that funerals must be allowed to continue. Mourners must be permitted at services and a celebrant can attend the service, should the bereaved request this. But anyone showing symptoms of Covid-19 should not attend any funeral service but still participate in the service, for example, through remote viewing. Most crematoria, cemeteries, and other funeral service locations have limits on the number of mourners allowed to attend and generally these are close family members of the deceased person’s household. If the deceased has neither household nor close family members in attendance, then it is possible for close friends to attend. You shouldn’t attend a funeral if you are displaying any symptoms of coronavirus, even very mild symptoms. The following should be taken into consideration before attending a funeral: • you’re a family member or friend who has been advised to shield but, having carefully considered the risks of attending, would like to do so. • you’re a family member or friend self-isolating for 14-days because someone you live with or in your support bubble is displaying symptoms, or because you have been contacted by NHS ‘test and trace’. • you have returned to the UK, need to quarantine for 14 days but, as permitted on compassionate grounds by government guidance, can leave your place of quarantine to attend a funeral. • If you are normally self-isolating and someone who is shielding or clinically vulnerable is to attend the funeral, you are advised not to attend at the same time as them. When attending, you should advise others that you would normally be self-isolating

Webcasting Bournemouth and Poole Live webcasting of services together with a ‘watch again’ option will be o ered to families at the published fee. Wherever possible, families are encouraged to invite mourners to watch the live stream to reduce the number of people who attend in person. You can book a web casting via your funeral director, which can be recorded and provided as a USB or DVD. Visual and musical tributes will continue as normal. Scatterings, interments and charging Up to five close family members can attend interment and scattering of ashes. Waiting Areas The Waiting Room at both Bournemouth and Poole Crematorium remain closed toilet facilities or access to the Book of Remembrance Room in Bournemouth. The hot drinks machine will not be operated, with the cold water dispenser available for use. Books of Remembrance To ensure the safety of all visitors and sta and in support of the NHS Test and Trace, the Books of Remembrance will be made available for restricted viewing. No appointment is necessary, but visitors are asked to comply with safety measures in place with social distancing and the wearing of a face covering. Individual visitors or a lead representative of a household or support bubble group will be asked to provide their contact details for NHS Test and Trace when requesting to view the Book. The Book of Remembrance Room will be made available for viewing at Bournemouth Crematorium between the hours of 9 am and 4pm Monday to Sunday. The Book of Remembrance Room located within the conservatory at Poole Crematorium will be available for viewing between the hours of 11 am and 4 pm Monday to Friday only. to mourners and other visitors. Access is only permitted for use of the

How should I get in touch with a funeral director? Many funeral directors including their funeral homes are providing an appointment-only service so call before you visit so that they can provide you with guidance regarding next steps. Given the current requirements around social distancing and to keep funeral homes open at this time, many funeral directors may not visit you at home but they can still provide support you may need over the telephone, email and post. passengers are from di erent households only two will usually be allowed to travel in a limousine. If passengers are from di erent households, they must sit on separate rows on opposite sides of the vehicle. All passengers must wear a face covering, which fully covers the nose and mouth, when travelling in the vehicle. Passengers usually must provide their own face covering. Face coverings are required during all indoor funeral services (including places of worship, burial ground chapels and crematoria). Webcasting/live streaming of the funeral service (using professional or personal devices) may still be possible –enabling other mourners to still participate without putting themselves and others at risk.

outdoors and whether people attending are shielding or part of a social bubble. If using any business to help with arrangements, there will be venue specific rules and Covid-19 secure guidelines. You should specifically avoid activities such as singing, chanting or playing of instruments that are blown into as well as any activity requiring people to raise their voice. This is because these activities pose a possible additional risk of infection even if social distancing is being observed or face coverings used. Even though gatherings are allowed, you may want to consider waiting to hold a gathering when more restrictions are lifted and it’s safer to do so. How do I arrange a funeral if I am self-isolating or social distancing? Again funeral directors will carry out most of the arrangements over the telephone, email or post. If you are not self-isolating and need to visit their premises, they will maintain a two metre distance and usually limit the number of visitors to two so call before visiting. Funeral directors are also providing the QR code for the new NHS Contact Tracing app. Will they still be o ering limousines? Many firms have now safely re- introduced limousines for bereaved clients, following guidance to ensure they can be used safely, including the use of Perspex screens, limiting the number travelling to ensure they can sit as far back as possible and additional cleaning. The number of passengers allowed to travel in a limousine is limited to a maximum of four if they’re from the same household (including support bubbles). If people and subject to COVID-19 secure guidelines – unless otherwise specified. There are no restrictions that prevent someone who has died from coronavirus having a funeral, whether that’s for a cremation or a burial. But remember the guidance could change within a short time. gardens in England – unless attendees are all from the same household or support bubble. Funeral services can still take place in England, in places where there is a local lock down – with a maximum of 30

What do I need to think about when arranging a funeral? It’s worth considering the following before you contact a funeral director:who you want to attend, being mindful of those in high-risk groups who may want to attend • arranging service sheets as service books may not be available – though no singing will be allowed • recording the eulogy on a phone or other recording device so those not in attendance can listen or watch at another time • services may need to be shorter so the venue can be cleaned between services • whether you might organise a celebration of life or memorial for a later date, when it’s safe to do so • social distancing requirements • whether it’s appropriate to have family members bearing the coffin • giving particular consideration if anyone attending has been self- isolating or if they live with someone displaying symptoms, or anyone advised to shield • those considered vulnerable or advised to shield are advised to avoid any contact with the body of the person that’s died, including washing, preparing and dressing. You can now hold a gathering before or after the funeral. However, to do these safely there are certain things to consider, including: You must follow social distancing guidance on meeting up with family and friends, which can vary according to the chosen venue, whether indoors or Covid 19 has brought with it an array of rules and regulations when organising and participating in funerals. Although funerals are still taking place these can vary depending on where you live, where the funeral is held and which funeral directors that you use. The new ‘rule of six’ laws do not apply to funeral services (burials or cremations, or religious ceremonies directly associated with burials and cremations) unless specified in areas of local lockdown. However, they do apply to funeral wakes or receptions held in private homes or

Can I still visit my loved one in a chapel of rest during the pandemic? It is still possible to view a deceased who is suspected or confirmed to have been infected with Covid-19. Embalming is also

Are there any di erences in relation to hygiene standards at this time? Funeral directors already have rigorous hygiene controls in place when it comes to cleaning and disinfecting routines and these include handling any deceased person who may have died with an infection. These controls include the use of specialised health and safety equipment, along with specific ways of working to maintain clinical levels of hygiene and safe working environments. Are there any considerations relating to payment for the funeral? Most funeral directors recognise that this may be a di cult time when it comes to financial circumstances so they will be as flexible as they can to support your circumstances with usually a wide range of products and services to accommodate di erent requirements. They should also able to give you guidance on the government allowed, you may want to consider waiting to hold a gathering when more restrictions are lifted and it’s safer to do so. Even though gatherings are

that the day and time of the funeral are not advertised to limit the numbers of potentially unexpected guests arriving at the funeral service, which may prevent practising social distancing measures.

permitted. Your local funeral home will give you all the guidance you need.

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AFTER A DEATH: The complications of obtaining Probate P robate can often involve a combination of complicated legal, tax and financial work which may have to be handled by solicitors.

It is the legal and financial process involved in dealing with the property, money and possessions of a person who has died. If the deceased had a valid Will, they may have named someone to deal with their assets. This person is the executor and they will have the responsibility of administering the estate. If there is no Will, then the rules of intestacy apply.

When there is a will If you are named as an executor, you may need to obtain a Grant of Representation depending upon the value of the deceased’s estate. This is the legal document issued by the Probate Registry which grants you the right to administer the estate. The executor uses the grant to show that they have the right to access the deceased’s bank accounts and all their funds, manage the finances and collect and distribute the deceased’s assets, as per the instructions in the Will.

When there is no Will When there is no will, the deceased is said to have died intestate. There are rules that set out which family members will benefit from an intestate estate and these are known as the intestacy rules. If the deceased didn’t have a Will, then it will usually be up to the spouse or one of the family members who are due to benefit under the intestacy rules to administer the estate. They will still have to apply for a Grant of Representation, but the grant given is called a Grant of Letters of Administration.

When do I need a Grant of Representation? Probate is usually required when: • The person who has died owned a property or land; and/or • The deceased owned a bank account or investment for which the bank or other financial institution requires a Grant. This is normal if the amount in the account is over the specific threshold set by that institution. Banks and other financial institutions set their own limits above which probate will be required, so it’s worth checking with the individual organisation as to whether they need a Grant of Representation.

How long does probate take? This will depend on how complex the estate is – if there are complicated assets, such as multiple properties, shares, and accounts, it is likely to take longer than if they had owned a single bank account and very few other assets. On average, probate takes between six to nine months to complete and can take up to eighty working hours. However, other complications can cause the process to take considerably longer, such as if the Will is contested, or the deceased did not keep clear records of all their assets. Some cases have taken several years to finalise.

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The Grant of Representation will make it possible for you to access all of the deceased’s assets, such as their bank and building society accounts.

What to do if there is no Will A blood relative will need to become an administrator of the estate if there is no Will, as without one, the deceased’s estate will become intestate, meaning that it must be distributed according to the strict rules of intestacy. If you are not sure what to do, contact a solicitor for advice.What happens once I have the Grant of Representation? Once you have the grant, the last task is administering all of the deceased’s assets. This means gathering all the assets that you have identified and distributing them as directed in the will. Once probate has been granted, most institutions will release all the funds without delay. You may need to send them certified copies of the grant, which is why it’s best to ask for copies from the Probate Registry when they issue the grant. This will usually incur a small fee. Looking at probate in more detail if the deceased left a Will, they may have specified the designated executor or executors – these people are expected to “execute” the Will, which means they will share out the estate as specified and deal with any related complications, as well as carry out any other final wishes specified in the Will. However, you are not legally required to act as executor, even if you are the only executor named in the Will.

Obtaining the Grant of Representation To execute a Will, you will usually

In the event of joint-owned accounts, the bank or building society may be willing to transfer sole ownership to the surviving civil partner or spouse if you present them with the death certificate. However, if they had any sole accounts, you will most likely need the Grant of Representation. You can obtain the Grant of Probate or Letters of Administration by contacting your local Probate Registry. You can do this by filling out and returning Probate Application form PA1. Ideally, this process will take between three and five weeks. However, if there are other complications — if there is inheritance tax to pay, or you make a mistake in filling out a form, for instance — obtaining the Grant could take a lot longer. You will also need to contact HMRC to pay any inheritance tax due on the estate.

need to obtain the Grant of Probate or Letters of Administration. The Grant of Representation refers to the grant that you must obtain to carry out probate. The kind of grant that you need will depend on your circumstances. The Grant of Representation will make it possible for you to access all of the deceased’s assets, such as their bank and building society accounts. Doing so without the Grant of Representation would be very difficult, if not impossible. However, the Grant of Representation may not be needed if: • The deceased did not have much money in their accounts – a bank or building society may be willing to release the funds without a grant • Their properties, bank or building society accounts and insurance policies were joint-owned by a surviving spouse or civil partner. Do they have a Will? It is estimated that only 30% of people have a Will, so it is possible that the deceased died without one, leaving them what is known as intestate. However, they may well have created one without your knowledge. You should check their paperwork to see if they have a copy of this anywhere. If there is no Will to be found among their personal belongings, they may have kept a copy with their solicitor, or their bank. Alternatively, they may have left a copy with a dedicated Will storage service, or with the Principal Registry of the Family Division in London. In order to retrieve the Will from the Principal Registry, you will need

If there is no executor named, or there is no Will, someone must become the administrator of the estate – this may be someone who would benefit from the Will, or a blood relative if no Will exists. The administrator largely performs the same tasks that an executor would, although they often have no Will to act upon.

to provide proof of death (such as the death certificate), and you will most likely need proof that you are a named executor. You should also provide a certificate of deposit for the Will, but if you are unable to find this, you will need to write to the Record Keeper at the Principal Registry. A non-executor can apply to withdraw the Will if no executor is named, but you would need permission from a District Judge before they will let you have the Will. Whether there is a Will or not will affect what kind of Grant of Representation you will need in order to continue the probate process.

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10

COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Staying independent in your own home after losing a loved one

Online food ordering and delivery Shopping for food can be a challenge for some, but a solution to this is online shopping. Depending on how comfortable they are with computers and the internet, they may be able to place their own order, and have it delivered directly to their kitchen. Alternatively, they could tell a relative what they would like so the order can be placed on their behalf, but they still retain their sense of control. There are also meal delivery services to consider. Understand medical needs This will be crucial in extending their good health for as long as possible without needing to be hospitalised or needing live-in care. There are now smart tools such as pill boxes which will automatically remind people when to take certain medicines. Personal emergency alert systems If your loved one was to fall, suffer a heart attack, stroke, or injure themselves when living alone, they might not be able to reach a phone or

call neighbours for help. A personal emergency response system (PERS) enables them to call for help by pushing a button which they keep on them at all times. They can also include GPS capability so that you can locate them in an emergency, automatic fall detection, and two-way phone communication. Social Companionship Having the reassurance that someone is visiting a loved one on a daily basis can reduce feelings of anxiety. Assistance with tasks such as making appointments, accompanying them to the doctors, sending birthday cards, walking the dog or just sitting having a chat over a cup of tea are some of the ways in which Information Service are holding outreach events at several locations across the New Forest offering advice on Disabled Facilities Grants (through the Independence Matters project) and on welfare benefits, equipment, social activities, carer’s support, transport and other support. agencies can help. Advisors from the New Forest Disability

I t’s hard to watch people we care about lose their health and strength as they age and particularly if they have lost a love one. Their partner may have

adjustments can be made that enable people to live in their own homes while giving relatives peace of mind. Here are some idea s you should consider when trying to enable an elderly or disabled loved one to live independently. Emotional and mental wellbeing Living alone can have a severe impact on a person’s mental health, and loneliness has been found to increase the likelihood of death among the elderly by as much as 45%. Simply having regular contact with others can help to prevent isolation and depression, so consider ways in which they can

carried out a whole host of tasks to make life easier for each of them but their loss brings in new challenges. And it can be doubly difficult in these times of social distancing and self- isolating when more than ever not only the elderly but people of all ages need to maintain contacts with the outside world. Many sons and daughters want to bring their elderly relatives into their own homes to prevent them from needing to go into a care home, but most older adults want to retain their independence for as long as possible, not to mention the fact that the costs involved can be extreme.

community. Perhaps they can get involved in a local fitness class or a crafting group? If they live a long way from family, then even video calling and social media communication can benefit people. Adapting their home Their home they live in may need to be adapted

to minimise any potential safety hazards. This could include installing rails in bathrooms or even turning it into a wet room, toilet aids, lowering shelves, making flooring even and non-slip and improving lighting and heating systems. If they have stairs, they may benefit from a stair lift.

In some cases, both physical and social

continue to socialise and be involved in the

New Forest Disability

Providing free disability related information and advice for everyone across the New Forest Welfare benefits, Blue Badge, mobility equipment, daily living aids, carers, social, meal delivery, education, clubs, home adaptation advice etc

Alesco Care Services is a small locally run home care company here to support you in your own home and support you to access the community. Times are hard at the moment and if you are looking for someone to support you with life’s everyday tasks including support with your shopping and cleaning. Or if you just want someone to have a chat and a cup of tea with then Alesco is here to help you with Companionship. All our carers are fully trained and training is regularly updated to support the needs of our clients. If you feel that Alesco could help you or a loved one please contact us on 01425 276208 or admin@alesco.care www.alescocare.co.uk

We are cur rently recruiting. . . . Do something amazing and Volunteer!

Helpline 01425 628750 | info@newforestdis.org.uk www.newforestdis.org.uk Head Office. 6 Osborne Rd, New Milton, BH25 6AD

11

COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Bereavement self care during a pandemic

“People who take care of themselves are happier, more resilient and have more stamina to get things accomplished.”

F eelings of pain and distress, both physical and emotional, following bereavement can be overwhelming and frightening. You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster and at times find it difficult to do even everyday tasks. You may notice changes in appetite and sleep, exhaustion and grief by letting in only as much as we can handle. The lack of contact with others is also creating a

will help you to be more productive. If your job was to take care of everyone else, this is your time to start taking care of yourself and you will see a shift in your ability to take care of others. Limit your to-do list to 5 things. How many times do you hit the pillow with the satisfaction that you got everything done on your list? Hardly never, because your to-do list is so long and impossible to complete. Demanding less of yourself will reduce your stress level. Just because we can do more does not mean that we must. Say no more. Maybe these opportunities are a test to see if you can put yourself first. Most of us don’t know what a liveable pace is. It’s time to start learning how to do less. Make yourself the number one priority Have a bulletproof plan for prioritising yourself.

Stolen time is fraught with guilt, but what is stolen time? Let’s say you’re stressed out so you pull out your phone and chat to a friend. A half-hour later, you feel guilty that you wasted time you could have used to get things done. However, if you plan out what you will do to destress, then the next time you feel stress you can choose one of the items on your list and you won’t feel guilty about it. Know which self care habits work for you. Examine which things worked in the past and which did not work. Self care is critical and you may need to try some or all of the following: • go for a walk • listen to music • start a gratituude journal or daily diary to centre your thoughts • learn a new craft • call someone for a chat • exercise (dancing counts!) • meditate • join a support group

restlessness. With Covid 19 lurking in the background it is doubly difficult to be positive but that’s what you must do. Many support groups are unable to offer face to face guidance at the current time so it’s important to look after yourself. It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. The shock can make you numb, and some people at first carry on as if nothing has changed. You may feel disorientated, as if you have lost your place and purpose in life or are living in a different world. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. Denial is a survival mechanism which helps us to pace our feelings of

sense of isolation that may increase the initial confusion. Secrets of self care We tend to think that self care is a waste of time. The Western way is that a successful person is one who is always accomplishing. If we were taught that sitting in the park and relaxing for two hours was praiseworthy, we would be proud of taking care of ourselves in that way. However, our culture is working against us, and we feel guilty for doing what we should be doing. We need to give ourselves permission to do less. We’ll never have serenity if our task list is so long

days when you cannot cry and others when you cannot stop. Not everyone cries, and it is not a sign of weaknesses if you don’t. All these feelings of loss, sadness, despair and fear for the future can make you feel there’s no point in carrying on living so it is very important to share your feelings with someone you know and trust who can help you focus on the positive things in your life. In time there will be more good days than bad and you will able to think about your experiences without deep sadness; even begin to make plans for new ones. The past will always be with you, but it’s possible to start to enjoy life again. Give yourself permission and take time to grieve. Everyone is different and needs to find their way of coping. that it does not allow for a little downtime. A lack of self care causes stress. People, unfortunately, feel unworthy of self care and many people are proud that they don’t “need self care”. To take care of ourselves is restorative. Mental health professionals say that people who take care of themselves are happier, more resilisent and have more stamina to get things accomplished. So what is self care? Self care is the act of looking after your mental and phyiscal wellbeing. Self

care can as simple as the daily routine of bathing, and brushing your teeth to taking time out for a soak in the bath, exercising or reading a book before bed. Self care is never selfish, if you don’t look after yourself, how can you take care of anyone else? Save yourself before saving others Start small and learn to take mini-breaks. Give yourself permission to stop multitasking. Taking a break will remind you that you can take control of your time. This

Living With Loss

Although The Coates Centre is currently closed for all our normal activities the team is still actively working to support you however we can at this time. Whether you have lost your loved one

recently, months or even years ago and still finding life difficult, do get in touch. You don’t need to have lost your loved one at Oakhaven. Our bereavement support is open for anyone living in the New Forest, Waterside and Totton communities.

L osing a loved one triggers huge emotions of sadness, anger, guilt or confusion; overwhelming us with feelings of loss, bewilderment and exhaustion.

Although grieving is the natural process of finding a way to live with this loss, there’s no time limit and everyone grieves differently. Feelings of anger, abandonment; that life is out of control and the sense of unfairness ‘why has this happened?’ are common. You may experience feelings of

relief especially if your loved one suffered with a long illness, or guilt for not having done enough, or preventing their death in some way; remorse can also be common in a difficult or confusing relationship. Although crying helps to release pain; there’ll be

01590 677198 www.oakhavenhospice.co.uk/wellbeing (the phone is not always manned but it is possible to leave a message and a teammember will come back to you within 3 working days)

Useful online support and guidance, including coping with bereavement, facing fear, and planning for the future produced by Oakhaven’s counselling team can be found at www.oakhavenhospice.co.uk/wellbeing and if you feel you would benefit from grief counselling you can also download a self-referral form.