Coping With Your Loss 2020

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Bereavement self care during a pandemic

“People who take care of themselves are happier, more resilient and have more stamina to get things accomplished.”

F eelings of pain and distress, both physical and emotional, following bereavement can be overwhelming and frightening. You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster and at times find it difficult to do even everyday tasks. You may notice changes in appetite and sleep, exhaustion and grief by letting in only as much as we can handle. The lack of contact with others is also creating a

will help you to be more productive. If your job was to take care of everyone else, this is your time to start taking care of yourself and you will see a shift in your ability to take care of others. Limit your to-do list to 5 things. How many times do you hit the pillow with the satisfaction that you got everything done on your list? Hardly never, because your to-do list is so long and impossible to complete. Demanding less of yourself will reduce your stress level. Just because we can do more does not mean that we must. Say no more. Maybe these opportunities are a test to see if you can put yourself first. Most of us don’t know what a liveable pace is. It’s time to start learning how to do less. Make yourself the number one priority Have a bulletproof plan for prioritising yourself.

Stolen time is fraught with guilt, but what is stolen time? Let’s say you’re stressed out so you pull out your phone and chat to a friend. A half-hour later, you feel guilty that you wasted time you could have used to get things done. However, if you plan out what you will do to destress, then the next time you feel stress you can choose one of the items on your list and you won’t feel guilty about it. Know which self care habits work for you. Examine which things worked in the past and which did not work. Self care is critical and you may need to try some or all of the following: • go for a walk • listen to music • start a gratituude journal or daily diary to centre your thoughts • learn a new craft • call someone for a chat • exercise (dancing counts!) • meditate • join a support group

restlessness. With Covid 19 lurking in the background it is doubly difficult to be positive but that’s what you must do. Many support groups are unable to offer face to face guidance at the current time so it’s important to look after yourself. It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. The shock can make you numb, and some people at first carry on as if nothing has changed. You may feel disorientated, as if you have lost your place and purpose in life or are living in a different world. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. Denial is a survival mechanism which helps us to pace our feelings of

sense of isolation that may increase the initial confusion. Secrets of self care We tend to think that self care is a waste of time. The Western way is that a successful person is one who is always accomplishing. If we were taught that sitting in the park and relaxing for two hours was praiseworthy, we would be proud of taking care of ourselves in that way. However, our culture is working against us, and we feel guilty for doing what we should be doing. We need to give ourselves permission to do less. We’ll never have serenity if our task list is so long

days when you cannot cry and others when you cannot stop. Not everyone cries, and it is not a sign of weaknesses if you don’t. All these feelings of loss, sadness, despair and fear for the future can make you feel there’s no point in carrying on living so it is very important to share your feelings with someone you know and trust who can help you focus on the positive things in your life. In time there will be more good days than bad and you will able to think about your experiences without deep sadness; even begin to make plans for new ones. The past will always be with you, but it’s possible to start to enjoy life again. Give yourself permission and take time to grieve. Everyone is different and needs to find their way of coping. that it does not allow for a little downtime. A lack of self care causes stress. People, unfortunately, feel unworthy of self care and many people are proud that they don’t “need self care”. To take care of ourselves is restorative. Mental health professionals say that people who take care of themselves are happier, more resilisent and have more stamina to get things accomplished. So what is self care? Self care is the act of looking after your mental and phyiscal wellbeing. Self

care can as simple as the daily routine of bathing, and brushing your teeth to taking time out for a soak in the bath, exercising or reading a book before bed. Self care is never selfish, if you don’t look after yourself, how can you take care of anyone else? Save yourself before saving others Start small and learn to take mini-breaks. Give yourself permission to stop multitasking. Taking a break will remind you that you can take control of your time. This

Living With Loss

Although The Coates Centre is currently closed for all our normal activities the team is still actively working to support you however we can at this time. Whether you have lost your loved one

recently, months or even years ago and still finding life difficult, do get in touch. You don’t need to have lost your loved one at Oakhaven. Our bereavement support is open for anyone living in the New Forest, Waterside and Totton communities.

L osing a loved one triggers huge emotions of sadness, anger, guilt or confusion; overwhelming us with feelings of loss, bewilderment and exhaustion.

Although grieving is the natural process of finding a way to live with this loss, there’s no time limit and everyone grieves differently. Feelings of anger, abandonment; that life is out of control and the sense of unfairness ‘why has this happened?’ are common. You may experience feelings of

relief especially if your loved one suffered with a long illness, or guilt for not having done enough, or preventing their death in some way; remorse can also be common in a difficult or confusing relationship. Although crying helps to release pain; there’ll be

01590 677198 www.oakhavenhospice.co.uk/wellbeing (the phone is not always manned but it is possible to leave a message and a teammember will come back to you within 3 working days)

Useful online support and guidance, including coping with bereavement, facing fear, and planning for the future produced by Oakhaven’s counselling team can be found at www.oakhavenhospice.co.uk/wellbeing and if you feel you would benefit from grief counselling you can also download a self-referral form.