Out & About Summer 2021

Out&About wellbeing

EDUCATION With exams largely replaced with school-based assessments this school year, AMANDA BAILEY writes in more depth about the amazing, yet often maligned, period known as adolescence.

P uberty begins at any time from eight to 14. On average the onset of puberty starts at 11 in girls and 12 in boys when the hypothalamus begins to release sex hormones. The physical signs are easily recognised: changes in body shape, body hair, sweat and, for some, spots and acne. But how does the ‘puberty brain’ adjust to these new and shifting hormone levels? We all rely on a part of the brain called our amygdala – our fight and flight response – wired for threats, real or perceived. It is from here, as the logical, problem-solving part of the brain – the prefrontal cortex – is growing, that remodelling and maturing the reactionary and emotional volatility comes – one moment, a confident, happy and laughing teen, the next irritated, upset and angry with friends and family. The prefrontal cortex contributes to personal development as the teen begins to understand more complex matters, such as searching for their identity or making moral and social choices. This is brilliantly explained in a short YouTube clip by Dan Siegel entitled The Adolescent Brain www. youtube.com/watch?v=0O1u5OEc5eY Twenty years ago, journalist, Adair Lara, wrote a candid memoir describing her own experiences of parenting her teenage daughter Hold Me Close, Let Me Go . She writes kids are dogs, teens are cats: ‘You, not realising that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings. Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it and it runs away. Tell it to

sit and it jumps on the counter. The more you go towards it wringing your hands, the more it moves away.’ So, be a good listener, rather than a ‘fixer’ or ‘quizzer’. Give your teenager space to come up with their own thoughts and understanding, and discover who they are. Make the most of spontaneous moments – watching a TV programme, driving them somewhere, sitting down on your teen’s bed as they complete some homework. Remember, teens want to connect with other teens and need space away from listening ears. Parents are often perceived as ‘part of the problem’ – you’re not listening, you don’t understand and aren’t respecting their wishes. It may be tough, but it is more important than ever to lead by example. Teenagers need to know all emotions are OK, but not all behaviours. When overwhelmed by a ranting and raging teenager, a parent needs to put on their own oxygen mask, take time out and

settle their own heightened emotions, ready to be there when the crying and raging is over. Most parents do not share the same parenting skills, this is a time to put your own conditioning to one side and support each other. It will help your young person if you present a united front and agree on proactive plans and actions, including setting clear boundaries and limits, as you navigate this stage of life. And, remember to be kind to yourself. Parents’ behaviour is often rooted in their own fears and suspicions. Listen to your teenager’s ideas and questions; consider what’s possible, judgement, the safer you will be when they need to speak to someone about their own sadness or disappointment. As a parent, it becomes more apparent to me every day that our children are sent to open our eyes. voicing your opinion if asked. The longer you listen without

Amanda Bailey offers a number of bespoke and group courses to help children, young people, adults and families reduce anxiety and increase calmness, visit www.beberkshire.co.uk or send an email to: amanda@beberkshire.co.uk or call/text on 07909502667

O&A SUMMER 2021

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