New Milton Advertiser - Coping With Loss 2021

SUMMER 2021

OUR GUIDE TO MAKING THIS DIFFICULT TIME EASIER TO MANAGE

Writing a Will PROTECTING YOUR ESTATE Register a death

Symbolism of flowers WAYS TO PAY TRIBUTE Living with loss THE COATES CENTRE IS HERE TO HELP

WHY IT’S SO IMPORTANT

New Milton Advertiser & Lymington Times Publication www.advertiserandtimes.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Diamond & Son Funeral Directors We create every funeral individually, just for you.

AVRidout Funeral Service

Highcliffe 01425 689 503 414 Lymington Road, Highcliffe-on-Sea, Christchurch, Dorset BH23 5HE To arrange a funeral or find out more about our funeral plans, call us 24 hours a day. avridout.co.uk

Proudly serving your local community since 1928

We offer a friendly, professional service to families in Lymington and the surrounding areas. We have a range of funeral options available to suit all wishes and requirements.

Our services include: • 24-hour service • Bereavement advice • Transparent pricing • Home visits • Private chapel of rest • Floral tributes • Memorial masonry • Prepaid funeral plans

9 Lower Buckland Road, Hampshire SO41 9DN 01590 608 264 Lymington

diamondandsonfunerals.co.uk

J & L Sturney Funeral Directors

Waterside Funeral Home

Proudly serving your local community since 2000

Our staff are here to support and advise you 24 hours a day Long established funeral directors, proudly serving your local community

191-195 Long Lane, Southampton, 023 8098 5204 Holbury

Hythe

023 8098 5248 13-15 The Marsh,

62 High Street, Lyndhurst, Hampshire SO43 7BJ 023 8098 6323 Call to find out more about our funeral plans

Hampshire SO45 6AJ

Hampshire SO45 2PD

Call us for advice and support 24 hours a day Prepaid funeral plans available

sturneyfunerals.co.uk

watersidefunerals.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

CONTENTS

SUMMER 2021

Writing a Will

12 The Ivy Room

4

Registering a death

13 Staying

5

independent

15 Look after your health 16 & 17

Choosing a Funeral Director The grieving process Writing a letter of condolence What flowers can say at a funeral Tapper Funeral Service

6

Living with loss - The Coates Centre

7

8

18 & 19

Richard Gri ths & Co

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10 & 11

For further information or to advertise, contact Carol Shears on 07734 384687 Alternatively you can email carol.shears@advertiserandtimes.co.uk

Interested in advertising in our Autumn 2021 edition?

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With this advertisement we will deduct £100 from any of the above services.

Maria Jones Funeral Directors Little Holbrook, 56 Brookley Road, Brockenhurst, SO42 7RA

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS Writing a Will M ost people put off making a Will because they believe that it could bring on their demise a little bit sooner and seems a little macabre. After all who wants to solicitor check a Will you have drawn up to make sure

For a Will to be valid: • it must be in writing, signed by you, and witnessed by two people over the age of 18 • you must have the mental capacity to make the Will and understand the effect it will have • you must have made the Will voluntarily and without pressure from anyone else. • The beginning of the Will should say that this Will revokes all others. If you have an earlier Will, it should be destroyed. You must sign a Will in front of two adult witnesses. It can also be signed on your behalf, as long as you’re in the room and it is signed at your direction. The witnesses or their husbands, wives or civil partners can’t benefit from the Will. If anything has been left to the witnesses, the rest of the Will is still valid, but the witness will lose their entitlement to whatever you had intended to leave them. An executor can witness the Will, unless they are a beneficiary. You can keep your Will at your home or store it with your solicitor or accountant, your bank or at the Principal Registry of the Family Division of the High Court, a District Registry or Probate Sub-Registry. If you make any changes to your Will you must follow the same signing and witnessing process.

Consumer Codes Approval Scheme. Solicitors provide a range of Will writing services. The charges for drawing up a Will will vary between solicitors and also depend on the complexity of the Will. Before making a decision on who to use, it is always advisable to check with a few local solicitors to find out how much they charge. You may have access to legal advice through an addition to an insurance policy or If you are a member of a trade union you may find that the union offers a free Wills service to members. Many charities offer either a free or discounted Will service. Usually they provide a list of local solicitors who will offer this service, although it may depend on you giving either a donation or legacy to that particular charity. So why you should make a Will? If you want to be sure your wishes will be met after you die, then a Will is vital. A Will is the only way to make sure your savings and

possessions (your estate) go to the people and causes that you care about. It also avoids disputes between relatives. Disputes over Wills can cause family arguments and may even need a solicitor to resolve them. Leaving a Will should remove any doubt about who you want to leave your estate to. Close relatives and dependants may still be able to make a claim on your estate, but a solicitor can advise you on how likely this is and the best way to prevent it. Although it’s hard for loved ones to talk about death, talking about your Will can save everyone a lot of worry. Deciding who you want to leave your possessions to (your beneficiaries) can help you make sure they go to the people you intended. A Will can ensure that assets are kept within the family and are passed on down the generations.

contemplate their own death? It’s a load of paperwork and is perhaps not a priority right now. Finally there is the perception that making a Will is time consuming, complicated and expensive. And in any case they believe that all they own will go to family and friends when they pass on. You can write your Will yourself, but you should get advice if your Will isn’t straightforward. Your Will doesn’t have to be on special paper or use a lot of legal language. If you are in any doubt as to whether or not you should Citizens Advice Bureau who can give you lists of solicitors. There is no need for a Will to be drawn up or witnessed by a solicitor. It is generally advisable to use a solicitor or to have a make a Will, you should consult a solicitor or a

it will have the effect you want. This is because it is easy to make mistakes and, if there are errors in the Will, this can cause problems after your death. Sorting out misunderstandings and disputes after your death may result in considerable legal costs, which will reduce the amount of money in the estate. There are various on-line Will writing packages where you can complete a DIY Will or have a Will writing service visit you and have the Will written in the comfort of your own home. However, Will-writing firms are not regulated by the Law Society so there are few safeguards if things go wrong. If you decide to use a Will-writing firm, consider using one that belongs to The Institute of Professional Will-writers which has a code of practice approved by the Trading Standards Institute

With a carefully-planned Will, you can also cut the Inheritance Tax bill on your estate after your death. Lockerley Stone & Masonry 01794 340101 Call for a FREE brochure and pricelist Visit our large showroom with lots of memorials on display • Memorials • Renovations • Showroom Lockerley Stone & Masonry Unit 20, Home Farm Business Centre

F.W. HOUSE & SONS Established in 1898 and continuing in the same family today TRADITIONAL FUNERAL DIRECTORS Classic values combined with a modern efficient service using our coach-built Rolls Royce Silver Spirit hearse. Burials and Cremations conducted throughout the UK. A complete service confidently directed with finesse and style. 33-34 St. Thomas’ Street • Lymington Hampshire • SO41 9NE For a Personal Service, please call

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01590 673142 anytime, day or night.

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Why Registering a Death is so important T he last thing on your mind after losing a loved one is the paperwork involved but failing to register a death not only risks putting funeral arrangements on hold but also risks breaking the law.

You normally can’t wait longer than five days to register a death, which includes weekends and bank holidays. But this can be extended by a further nine days if you provide the registrar with written confirmation that a Medical Certificate of Death has been issued.

Howmuch is a death certificate?

following year, with a priority postage fee of £50. If one is needed for use in the EU, a Multilingual Standard Form is needed at a cost of £22. You can order all death certificates on the HM Passport Office site in England and Wales. Can you register a death without a birth certificate? Yes. A birth certificate can help the death registration process, but the only essential document needed to register a death is a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death, which will be given to you by a doctor.

Where do you register a death?

one’s home should ideally be used if they passed away at home. If the death occurred in a nursing home or hospital, refer to their district register office. These options aren’t always practical, especially if you live far away from the deceased. So choosing the closest register office to their last residence as possible is the best option. Register offices can be very busy and so to avoid delays or increased waiting times, it is recommended that you call to make an appointment. This will

referred to the Coroner, the Coroner’s Office will advise you what to do. If the deceased received a pension or allowance from public funds, such as a Civil Service or Army Pension inform the Registrar. Although other documentation is not essential for registering a death, providing as much additional information as possible can help speed up the process. You shouldn’t It helps the registration process if you can also provide • the deceased’s NHS medical card • birth and marriage/ civil partnership certificates • driving licence • council tax bill • proof of address and passport As well as the details on the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death, further information required from you includes the deceased’s last occupation, address, state pension information, place of birth and their partner’s full name, birth date and occupation. Bringing supporting documents for these is useful but not vital. The Registrar will enter all these details into a computer system and will then give you the opportunity to check they are correct. The information will then be written into a register. This is the “original” legal record and you should check it through very carefully before signing it, as any mistakes discovered later on may be difficult to correct. What documents will you receive from the registrar? The registrar will give you two documents once they have all the information required. The first is the Certificate for Burial or Cremation, known as the delay registering if you do not have the below information.

green form. The second document will be the death certificate, which is a paid- for service. This allows the deceased to be buried or cremated and must be filled out and handed to your chosen funeral director. Registrars can instead provide a burial-only green form if the death is yet to be registered. Additional copies of the death certificate can be important, especially when administering the estate, or if the estate falls into probate, as photocopies are not usually accepted. The registrar may also provide a BD8 Registration of Death form. If your loved one received a state pension or benefits these must be completed and mailed to the addresses already written on.

The cost of a death certificate excluding postage fees is £11 in England and Wales – £15 if you haven’t registered for a Government Registration Office (GRO) index reference number. Multiple copies can be ordered for the same price. Death certificates typically take up to five working days to arrive but if needed sooner, one can be sent with priority for £35. If a death is registered overseas, however, a death certificate won’t be available until November the

The Register Office for the New Forest area is located at the Ringwood Gateway in the The Furlong, Ringwood. The Register office comes under the jurisdiction of Hampshire County Council and operates an appointment system. For Christchurch it is located at the Civic Offices, Bridge Street and at the Town Hall in Bourne Avenue, Bournemouth. All operate on appointments system. However, any register office in the country can be used when looking where to register a death. But choosing one too far from the loved one’s place of residence can cause paperwork delays and risk missing the five-day limit. A register office in the same district as your loved

allow you to prepare relevant documents to bring along to your appointment.

Home visits to register a birth, death or stillbirth are entirely at the discretion of the Registrar, and are subject to many and varied criteria.

Who can register a death? The person registering a death — otherwise known as the informant — is often a close relative of the deceased, named the executor of the Will. If a close relative is not available to do so, it’s also possible that the informant can be: • a relative who witnessed the loved one’s death, last illness or who lives near their residence • the owner of the premises where the death occurred • the relative arranging the funeral with the funeral director or someone else who was present at the death but this does NOT mean the funeral director • are a senior administrator from the hospital (if the person died in hospital) • are the manager of the care home where the person died • are the occupier of the building where the person died

A truly independent Funeral Directors and Monumental Masons

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Pre-Payment Plans Funeral Stationery Catering

What do you need to register a death? The only document needed to register a death is a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death not to be confused with a death certificate. This will be issued to you by a doctor and lists your loved one’s cause, date, and place of death, as well as name and age. This is essential — the Registrar can do nothing without it. If the death has been

We are the Watersides only independent Funeral Directors and Monumental Masons, this means we build a personal relationship with you right from the start. The person that answers the telephone or greets you in the office is the person who will look after you from that first contact, throughout all the necessary arrangements leading up to the funeral and at any time you need us afterwards. Bank House, The Square, Fawley, Southampton SO45 1DD 023 8089 0339 • www.newforestfunerals.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Choosing a Funeral Director and what it may cost

What to look for in a funeral director You should choose a funeral director that you feel comfortable with, and preferably who has been recommended to you. This is understandably a difficult time, but it’s worth contacting at least two companies so you can compare the service they offer and the costs. It’s important to remember that you do not have to stay with the first funeral director you chose, or a specific funeral director that may have been contracted by a hospital or care home to take care of the body. When searching for a funeral director you could ask family, friends or local faith leaders for recommendations, which can be helpful. If your loved one was in a care home, it may have a list of funeral directors that it’s had good experiences of in the past. You may want to choose a funeral director who belongs to the following: • National Association of Funeral Directors ( NAFD), or • National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF). Funeral directors that are members of these associations are obliged to meet certain industry specific standards and they will have an established complaints procedure as well as a broad range of services in various price ranges. If in doubt give one of these companies a call and ask for feedback. Some local authority trading standards have Buy with Confidence schemes, which funeral directors can join, showing their commitment to high standards.

A good funeral director ensures the whole process is seamless and helps a family think through the implications of their choices. Many people have not arranged a funeral before, so it can be useful to have expert guidance to help you through the process. This support can be very comforting at a difficult and emotional time. The key services a funeral director provides are to: • Remove the body from the • Dress the body • Help plan the ceremony • Supply coffin bearers, if required • Deal with the documentation to legally allow the cremation or burial to go ahead • Make sure everything hospital or place of death, and look after it up to and on the day of the funeral I t’s a topic most of us would prefer not to think or even talk about, but when a loved one or friend passes away choosing the right funeral director can be crucial in making sure that everything runs smoothly before and on the day.

Questions to ask a funeral director •

What’s the simplest service you offer? What other services do you offer?

•

• What is the total price, with a breakdown of costs including funeral director fees and disbursements. Are there any third-party costs? • Can we select from your choice of services and just pay for those? • Can we buy a coffin from another source? • Can we provide our own transport? • Do we have to pay a deposit? • When do we pay the bill? • What are the timings for the funeral? You may have something particular in mind that the funeral director hasn’t done before. They should be willing to discuss what you want and how they can make it happen for you. It’s important to remember that the person who signs the papers at the funeral directors is responsible for paying for the funeral, so it’s wise to think about how you are going to fund the funeral prior to signing the contract. Funeral directors will also ask you plenty of questions of what the deceased wishes were or failing this how you would like the funeral to be conducted. Some funeral directors will come to your home before they begin making arrangements. Sitting in the comfort of your own home eases the pressure somewhat, so if the funeral director you’re considering isn’t happy to do this, perhaps try another.

Prices The price will be a huge factor when deciding which funeral director to choose. Recent figures show that a funeral using a funeral director costs on average around £4,000 which should include the storing of the body, coffin purchase, hearse rental and staff. Other costs are always applicable, but will vary depending on whether you choose a burial or cremation. This could include doctor’s fees, burial ground fees and general memorial expenses (priest, minister, etc.) Most funeral directors will expect you to cover all of the disbursement costs and optional expenses up front. However, you should be given the option to pay their fees as a later date, usually within 30 days of the ceremony. Payment plans are often available; however, timescales can vary according to the firm. Before you make your decision make sure that you understand their rules and regulations to prevent any legal disputes in the future.

Buried or Cremated? This is one of the biggest decisions you must make. If the deceased has made implicit instructions, either verbally or in their will, you should morally abide by their wishes. If a loved one has said they want to be buried, but you cannot bear the thought of seeing them lowered into the ground or if you don’t have the funds (cremations are generally cheaper) only you can decide what’s right. You are under no legal obligation to follow their wishes, even if they have been written in their will. While it’s not part of their job description your funeral director can certainly help you make the decision easier by giving you a breakdown of the pros and cons of each procedure. Fundamentally your goal is to hire a funeral director that can take the weight off your shoulders without taking creative control. You will be entrusting them with decisions that could bare a significant impact on your life and the way in which the deceased is remembered; therefore, don’t be afraid to seek something deeper than just a business relationship.

Funeral directors will understand your situation and may adapt to accommodate your needs, so do not be afraid to ask them to make amendments to their standard funeral packages. Make sure any changes are clearly outlined in meaningful funeral for a lot less. For example, you could have a ‘direct cremation’, which costs about £1,600, and then organise a ceremony at home or you could even arrange the funeral yourself. Support is available if you or the deceased’s estate won’t cover all of the funeral expenses. The government’s Funeral Expenses Payment scheme which awards cash sums of up to £700 to those on income support or other credit schemes that are only given to low-income households. In addition, bereavement benefits of up to £2,000 may also be available in special circumstances. the contract agreement. It is also possible to have a

happens at the right time, in the right place and with the right people present.

Many funeral directors also have funeral arrangers who meet everyone who comes into the premises, explain the choices available to families, and deal with the behind-the-scenes paperwork and telephone calls.

BY STEPHEN FELDMAN

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

The grieving process

affected for a long time it might be useful to seek help.

this can be very painful and difficult to cope with. Some are personal and obvious such as a wedding anniversary or a birthday but some are less predictable and may catch us unawares e.g. a piece of music, a smell or a programme on the TV. Such emotions and feelings can be very powerful but they are often very personal and therefore not always understood by other people. Some people find themselves distracted and unable to concentrate but there is no ‘right ‘ way to feel and no time limit on experiencing the feelings. It probably helps to accept that when grieving there are some occasions which will be very difficult and then to work out how best to manage them. What is important is that the bereaved person derives some solace or comfort from whatever they do whether it be a religious or cultural practice or just nothing at all. What bereaved people need is acceptance from others and, as time passes, the anniversaries and reminders will help the bereaved to begin to focus on happy memories of good times past. However, if painful images persist and are disturbing life or sleep patterns What helps

react. Sadness is common but sometimes there may be relief. The feelings we experience on these occasions can be surprising or even frightening. Confusing and sometimes contradictory thoughts can emerge when least expected and can cause great distress. We may think we hear, see or even smell the person we have lost, but although this may lead us to question our sanity at times, these experiences will pass in time. For many people the death of a close family member means they will have to cope with the reactions and questions of children as well as their own grief. Children’s questions can be difficult and painful to answer but they usually cope better with the truth as far as their age and experience will allow. Many books have been written to help with children’s grief and are readily available from libraries and book shops. A death in the family can bring people together but it can also create tensions and strains, such as the reawakening of rivalry between siblings. Some families are able to support one another but there may be individual members who are unwilling or unable to share their feelings or to compromise. This can affect the relationship between partners and there is no one way of dealing with this. A great deal of patience and understanding may be needed but if relationships are badly Other relationships may be affected too

What can help?

Although there are no prescriptions, here are some of the things some people have found helpful: • Talking with family and friends or with a trained counsellor. • Being able to talk about the person who has died over and over again, if they want to. • Having their particular feelings and thoughts heard and acknowledged. • Receiving advice on practical issues such • Flexible arrangements with employers about returning to work and periods of absence. • When practical issues arise having help to think through the options. Some well meaning helpers often try to take over but this is rarely the right approach. • Keeping some mementoes of the person who has died. Reassurance that what they are experiencing is not abnormal. as funerals, memorials, financial matters, etc.

Someone has died - how can I help?

• Difficulty in sleeping, mood swings, reactive depression, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, exhaustion It is worth remembering that any of these feelings can emerge at any time for a long time after the actual bereavement, maybe many years later. First acknowledge the person’s loss. Never ignore the death of someone in the life of a relative, friend or neighbour or someone you work with. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Take your lead from the bereaved person and allow them time and space. If you find speaking to them difficult, a letter letting them know how sad you feel or perhaps sharing a memory of the person who has died can be very comforting. Listening to a bereaved person can be just as important as talking to them. Try not to be embarrassed at the sight of tears as crying is part of the healing process although some people prefer not to show their emotions in public and save their tears for when they are alone. Offers of practical help are usually gratefully received but it is better to ask first and not be offended if an initial offer Some ways of helping

is refused. Help is often more useful some time after the death when friends and family of the bereaved person have gone back home or to work.

Although you may feel you don’t know what to say to someone who has been bereaved, it is nearly always better to tell them how sorry you are than to do nothing or avoid the subject. There is no magic formula to take away the pain of grief but you can show you care just by listening when they need to talk or perhaps helping with some practical tasks. People react to bereavement in many different ways and there are no hard and fast rules but people often find that they experience at least some of the following feelings: • Disbelief or denial, carrying on as if nothing has happened • Shock or numbness • Imagining they still see or hear the person they have lost • Guilt-feeling they could have done more or prevented the death from happening • Anger at the world, a specific person, God or even the person who has died • Anxiety about coping without the person they have lost How people may react to a bereavement

These things are usually better avoided

• Changing the subject when bereaved people talk about their loss • Saying ‘I know how you feel’ or talking about your own bereavements. • Trying to soothe the pain by saying ‘It was a merciful something else’. However well-meant, such remarks seldom help. • Giving advice unless it is asked for • Making promises of help you cannot keep • Assuming that the bereaved person should have got over their loss by a certain time. Grieving nearly always takes longer that people expect. release’, ‘Time heals’, or ‘Try to think about

The loss of a close family member

Anniversaries and Reminders

There are many events that can evoke memories of the death of someone close and

For many of us the death of a close family member such as a parent is a significant loss and creates a variety of changes for us as individuals and for the rest of the family. Feelings may be complicated and there is no one way or ‘right’ way to

then the bereaved person should seek expert help.

Useful websites: www.counselling-directory.org.uk ; www.crusewestberks.org ; www.samaritans.org ; www.careforthefamily.org.uk ; www.bereavementadvice.org

Wessex Funeral Services (New Forest) Ltd. • Family Run Independent Funeral Directors • Willows Direct Cremations from £990 Wessex Cremation Package from £2,195 Wessex Burial Package £1,995 plus Cemetery Fees 3 Bursledon House, Station Road,

e Memorial Specialists e Memorial Specialists The Memorial Specialists Large showroom Easy Parking FREE BROCHURES AND PRICE LIST Old Road, Pye Corner, Wimborne, BH21 1EJ (Next to The Green Man Pub) www.minstermemorials.co.uk WIMBORNE 01202 883224

New Milton BH25 6HT 01425 383844 (24 hour) www.wessexfuneralservices.co.uk

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Writing a Letter of Condolence A lthough they are some of the most difficult letters to write, a sensitive letter following a bereavement can bring great solace. People gain real comfort from reading them, particularly in the lonely hours during the night when sleep is impossible.

The most difficult letters to write are those when the death involves a younger person or a sudden death such as a car accident or suicide. It feels easier and more natural to write a letter about an older person, who has had a long, fulfilled life and may have died after a short illness. Younger people tend to add their thoughts about the deceased onto social networking sites such as Facebook, but a condolence letter or card is a tangible acknowledgement, which can be re-read many times and treasured. Start off to say how sorry (or shocked, depending on the nature of the death) you are to hear of the death of the person and mention then by name.

Depending on how well you knew them, it is good to note any special qualities that the person may have had. It is nice to include a good or happy memory you have of the person that has died. It may be that the person you are writing to isn’t aware of your memory and can add it to their own treasured memories and have a smile about it. You might want to mention the qualities of the person you are writing to that may help them through this time. You might also want to mention the happy memories of the deceased that will help sustain them in the future.

Offer help if practical, but make sure it is specific and not the ‘ring me if I can help’ type of offer. This may be just to drop a meal around, do some shopping or help with arrangements for the funeral. Beware of adding poems or inspirational quotes to your letter. One of the visitors to our site had lost a teenage daughter and was deeply hurt and insulted by a relative sending him a copy of the ‘Child Loaned’ poem. Only send something if you know the person well and you feel the words will offer genuine comfort. It may be more helpful to point out where they can find comforting and inspirational words if they are looking for them.

Say that you are thinking of them and the family at this difficult time.

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Tapper Funeral Service

F or decades they have been carrying out one of the most important roles in our community – providing care, advice, and a shoulder to cry on at one of the most emotional times in people’s lives.

occasion felt more relaxed and intimate.”

“That is very much part of what we o er here, a very personal service. If a client asks for something specific, then as long as it is safe and allowable, we will ensure that it is carried out. “Technology has also enabled us to achieve much more too. Advanced media systems accommodate for whatever music or visual tributes clients choose. “As a great fan of music, I’m always interested in what my clients select. Music is so much about who a person is. We have had all sorts from classical to rock and roll, to TV and movie theme tunes. “One time we even had a whole sketch from the person’s favourite comedy show. “Having screens at the service enables photos to be shown, while streaming services over the internet has been brilliant, especially during the pandemic, for allowing people to ‘attend’ a funeral when they are unable to do so, in person.” Covid-19 restrictions have bought many di culties for funeral directors across the UK, but Julian said his firm has worked hard to ensure that they have still delivered as good a service as normal. One thing, he highlighted, during these challenging times, is that the smaller and more intimate services have, in some cases, resulted in an enhanced, positive experience. Julian said: “I think it was a surprise for some families that having a smaller congregation and less formality meant that the

Colin Hayley and Tapper Funeral Service are proud of everything they have provided and continue to deliver for bereaved families in their time of need. As Julian Hayley, whose father, Colin, helped set up the original business, says: “We feel very honoured and privileged to be chosen by families to help them at what is a very di cult time.” Colin Hayley & Tapper Funeral Service, an independent, family- owned firm, still operates from its original o ces at 51-53 Old Milton Road, New Milton, and Julian has been working in the funeral profession since the age of 15 years. Over his long career he has seen many changes. He said: “Certainly in my father’s early days, when someone died the family called the local funeral director. “They were then asked if they wanted a church or crematorium service, and that, apart from choosing a few hymns and prayers, was really all the input they had. “Things were very traditional then and it was just the way it was done.” Colin Hayley and Tapper pride themselves on working closely with families to ensure the funeral is very much what they desire and request; more importantly, what the deceased would have wanted. Julian, whose wife Sue works alongside him, says: “I think people now expect a lot more input into and control of how a funeral is conducted. They are more confident in saying what they do and do not want.

An opportunity to have similar services, reducing the cost of conventional funerals, yet allowing for a greater personal service, will soon be available at Colin Hayley & Tapper Funeral Service with the New Milton Ceremony Hall – specially designed and constructed to the highest standard to the rear of the o ce premises. The ceremony hall will enable a funeral to take place completely within their premises with the whole event fully tailored to a client’s wishes. Julian said: “It will mean that we can o er a really individual experience. For example, a loved one’s co n can be carefully set up in the hall ready for when mourners arrive, or be carried in the traditional way, by bearers. “Mourners will be able to relax as they will be able to take their time; unlike municipal crematoria where there are tight time slots – often referred to by many as ‘a conveyor belt system’. “Requests for a funeral to take place in an evening, or the weekend will also be an option. “You can still have all the traditional elements, such as funeral cars and a hearse, as additional items. “We will be able to accommodate, seated, between 45-50 people and there will be an outside area where mourners can congregate. “A large screen on the wall can show slideshows or allow for someone to present a eulogy – even from another country. “Well-behaved pets will be able to attend too, and we can serve a toast during the service with drink provided beforehand, by the family. Champagne chilled ready for the moment. We can also serve tea and co ee.” “Our Ceremony Hall is scheduled to be completed in August. Our Christchurch branch has “There is a kitchenette too. For example, we can keep

“One time we even had a whole sketch from the person’s favourite comedy show.”

provided a Ceremony Hall option for two-and-a-half years now – it’s been a huge success. “The Ceremony Hall will o er a unique way for people to be able to say their goodbyes to loved ones.” Julian added: “At the end of the service mourners will leave the hall, their loved one will be respectfully and gently transferred to our own crematorium at Harbour View Woodland Burial Ground in Lytchett Minster, near Poole, for the cremation. “Alternatively, if families would like to have a service at Harbour View (three ceremony halls), a municipal crematorium, or at a church if it is to be a burial, then that can also be arranged.” Like all the funerals that Colin Hayley and Tapper arrange, the company’s involvement with

clients does not just end on the day.

It o ers Outlook Bereavement Support free of charge, arranging get-togethers and events for the bereaved, including lunches and afternoon teas. Julian said: “It is something we are very proud of. It takes place about once a month. People come along and meet others who are going through what they are, or a little further down the road. “Grieving is a slow process, and this gives them a way of finding support. Sadly, it has not been able to take place during the pandemic, but I cannot wait for it to start again.”

11

10

COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

WHEN WORDS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH

WHAT FLOWERS CAN SAY AT A FUNERAL

F unerals are always heartbreaking and di cult to get through. You want to say something to comfort the bereaved but this is one of those occasions when words are just not enough. Sending flowers, however, are a beautiful way to express our condolences. They are a way of paying tribute to the person we have lost and add beauty, fragrance and colour to a sombre occasion. Floral tributes are symbolic of love and sympathy and also of eternity and immortality. As well as giving comfort to the close family, ordering flowers is also therapeutic to those who send them. Taking some time choosing flowers that you know the deceased would like is a caring thing to do, it feels as if there is one - lovely - last thing you can do for them. Think about the card you send with the flowers too as these are often kept, spend a bit of time and make your message heartfelt and sincere. Florists will deliver your order to the funeral director in time to travel in the hearse to the service. There are so many beautiful flowers it can be di cult to know what blooms to choose and the type of bouquet or wreath to send. You can be traditional, lilies are always a favorite, or go for something more modern like a cheery sunflower. If the deceased had a favourite flower you could build your floral tribute around that, turning it into something that will reflect the person's personality. Or ask that the arrangement incorporates all their favorite colours. If you are a keen gardener you could make your own bouquet for a special personal touch. Flowers have a language of their own and say so much more than you might think:...

TYPES OF FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS There are a number of di erent flower arrangements often used for funerals. Some will come with the hearse while others will decorate the church or crematorium. The traditional wreath is always popular as are sprays for the co n. It is possible to have many shapes and designs so you can make it personal for your loved one. It could take the shape of a cross, a star or an angel. A floral arrangement can also reflect the deceased’s hobbies and passions, in the shape of a football or a guitar for example. Many people like to have a floral tribute spelling out the person’s name, or Grandad or Grandma for example. ANOTHER APPROACH If the deceased was a keen gardener and had a favourite plant, perhaps roses, orchids or carnations, it might be nice to order a number of single stems and pass them to each mourner as they stand around the grave. When the service is over they can either drop them onto the casket – or you might prefer that they take them home in remembrance. Flowers left at the grave after the funeral do look nice and o er comfort to families and friends who visit in the days immediately after. However, it can feel sad to walk away and leave a beautiful display of flowers after a cremation. You could take a di erent approach. Tell the mourners not to send flowers. Instead you could order posies and then present them to relatives and friends at the end of the service. It will give then something lovely to take home in remembrance of the deceased and the day. FAMILY FLOWERS ONLY, DONATIONS WELCOME It has become quite common for the family of the deceased to ask for donations to a favourite or relevant charity rather than sending flowers. They feel that the money would be better used for research, perhaps into the illness that took their loved one. The funeral director can look after the donations for you and forward them to the relevant charity in the deceased’s name. If you feel you would like to do both, you could send flowers to the bereaved in the weeks after the funeral and let them know they remain in your thoughts.

LILIES Lilies are perhaps the flower most commonly associated with funerals. They symbolize the innocence that has been restored to the soul of the departed.

GLADIOLI Gladioli are typically used in fan sprays, which are classic and elegant arrangements for traditional funeral services. Available in a wide range of colours, the gladioli embodies strength of character, sincerity and moral integrity.

CARNATIONS Carnations are another popular choice and di erent colours symbolize di erent things. Red carnations evoke admiration, pink carnations stand for remembrance while white carnations stand for pure love and innocence. They also have an advantage as they tend to last a long time.

CHRYSANTHEMUMS

Chrysanthemums are frequently included in arrangements for funeral services. In some European countries, such as France, Italy, Spain, Poland, Hungary and Croatia, chrysanthemums are symbolic of death and are only used for funerals or on graves. In China, Japan and Korea, white chrysanthemums are symbolic of lamentation and grief.

ROSES Always popular, roses are often part of funeral flower arrangements. The di erent colours again have di erent meanings; white roses evoke reverence, humility and innocence, red roses convey respect, love, and courage. Pink roses signify love, grace, appreciation and gentility while deep crimson roses represent grief and sorrow. Yellow roses are given by friends of the deceased to symbolize their

ORCHIDS

Giving an orchid plant as a gesture of sympathy speaks of everlasting love.

strong ties. A single rose expresses enduring love for the deceased.

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Welcome to the Ivy Room Redcliffe Garden Centre’s peaceful

Joining the list is the Potting Shed Tearoom in Redcliffe Garden Centre, Bashley Road, Bashley, near New Milton, which now offers wake celebrations in its new event space, Ivy Room. This ideal venue is perfect because family and friends can enjoy vintage teas in a light and airy setting, in a beautifully decorated private event room. At the Ivy Room a subtle table service can be provided, with a choice of teas, coffees, cakes and sandwiches, all served on an eclectic mix of vintage china. Wine and bottled beers are also available. The single storey room is easily accessible and is situated in a discrete part of the garden centre, so mourners need not worry about being disturbed by garden centre customers. The idea of offering the Ivy Room as a wake venue is from Jayne Warman, who owns

the garden centre with her husband Chris. She said: “The Ivy Room has been very well received since its opening and has allowed us to extend our bookings for more of our popular vintage teas at £14.99 per head. Previously we have catered for a number of wakes in the Potting Shed Tearoom, but feel that now the more private space creates the right atmosphere and tone for families and friends to come together to remember a loved one. I have a fabulous team of staff who are consistently thanked for their attentive service and caring attitude.

We are always flexible with events and are more than happy to work with the family." The room is available seven days a week between 9am and 5pm and the food, both savoury and sweet, is freshly prepared on site for the event. The minimum booking is for 10 attendees, and usually needs a week's notice for bookings. Jayne, who also cooks and prepares meals at the garden centre, said that the room can be arranged as the mourners wish. She said: “Family and friends can express their sympathy with photographs adorning the wall, a memorial guest book and other forms of condolence. It is entirely up to them as to how they want to

organise the event. We are very flexible.” Jayne continued to say “The purpose of a wake is to celebrate the person who has died, so friends and family will want to reminisce and share stories, laugh or cry together in a more relaxed setting such as the Ivy Room.”

and personal wake venue W hile wakes were

Family and friends can express their sympathy with

photographs adorning the

traditionally seen as solemn affairs often held in the home, today

wall, a memorial guest book and other forms of condolence.

venues such as local pubs, hotels, social

and sports clubs are increasingly chosen as the place to celebrate a loved one’s life.

the

EVENTS VENUE FOR HIRE

The perfect private venue to celebrate the life of your loved one.

Call for bookings or further information 01425 638926 Redcliffe Garden Centre, Bashley Road, Bashley, New Milton, BH25 5RY

All menu requirements catered for. From our popular vintage tea parties, with sweet and savoury options to hot food and buffet menus, or simply tea and cake.

Please call today to discuss your requirements — we’d be happy to help.

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COPING WITH YOUR LOSS

Staying independent in your own home after losing a loved one

Online food ordering and delivery Shopping for food can be a challenge for some, but a solution to this is online shopping. Depending on how comfortable they are with computers and the internet, they may be able to place their own order, and have it delivered directly to their kitchen. Alternatively, they could tell a relative what they would like so the order can be placed on their behalf, but they still retain their sense of control. There are also meal delivery services to consider. Understand medical needs This will be crucial in extending their good health for as long as possible without needing to be hospitalised or needing live-in care. There are now smart tools such as pill boxes which will automatically remind people when to take certain medicines. Personal emergency alert systems If your loved one was to fall, suffer a heart attack, stroke, or injure themselves when living alone, they might not be able to reach a phone or

call neighbours for help. A personal emergency response system (PERS) enables them to call for help by pushing a button which they keep on them at all times. They can also include GPS capability so that you can locate them in an emergency, automatic fall detection, and two-way phone communication. Social Companionship Having the reassurance that someone is visiting a loved one on a daily basis can reduce feelings of anxiety. Assistance with tasks such as making appointments, accompanying them to the doctors, sending birthday cards, walking the dog or just sitting having a chat over a cup of tea are some of the ways in which Information Service are holding outreach events at several locations across the New Forest offering advice on Disabled Facilities Grants (through the Independence Matters project) and on welfare benefits, equipment, social activities, carer’s support, transport and other support. agencies can help. Advisors from the New Forest Disability

I t’s hard to watch people we care about lose their health and strength as they age and particularly if they have lost a love one. Their partner may have

adjustments can be made that enable people to live in their own homes while giving relatives peace of mind. Here are some ideas you should consider when trying to enable an elderly or disabled loved one to live independently. Emotional and mental wellbeing Living alone can have a severe impact on a person’s mental health, and loneliness has been found to increase the likelihood of death among the elderly by as much as 45%. Simply having regular contact with others can help to prevent isolation and depression, so consider ways in which they can

carried out a whole host of tasks to make life easier for each of them but their loss brings in new challenges. And it can be doubly difficult in these times of social distancing and self- isolating when more than ever not only the elderly but people of all ages need to maintain contacts with the outside world. Many sons and daughters want to bring their elderly relatives into their own homes to prevent them from needing to go into a care home, but most older adults want to retain their independence for as long as possible, not to mention the fact that the costs involved can be extreme.

community. Perhaps they can get involved in a local fitness class or a crafting group? If they live a long way from family, then even video calling and social media communication can benefit people. Adapting their home Their home they live in may need to be adapted

to minimise any potential safety hazards. This could include installing rails in bathrooms or even turning it into a wet room, toilet aids, lowering shelves, making flooring even and non-slip and improving lighting and heating systems. If they have stairs, they may benefit from a stair lift.

continue to socialise and be involved in the

In some cases, both physical and social

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